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Your first New Year as a married couple! Are you happy or stressed? Many newlywed couples discover that the holidays can cause a lot of tension and anxiety, and problems are not as easy to solve as you think they should be. Take heart! The beginning of a new year is a wonderful time to re-focus on what should be your first priority—your marriage. The commitment you made to love each through good times and bad will be your guide. But if you need more assistance, find a mentor couple to walk with you by sharing their experience and giving example of healthy relationship skills. In this month’s article, husband and wife team Dasi-Ziyad explain what mentor couples do and where to find them.
Crystal Sullivan, editor
 Mentor Couples: Another Gift for Newlyweds
By Krsnanandini Devi Dasi and Tariq Saleem Ziyad of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute
“We had been married just three months when some issues surfaced that we could not seem to resolve,” Sheree confided. “We were stumbling in the dark and needed some help. A friend suggested that we contact a mentor couple that had worked with him and his wife. I’m glad we did. The mentor couple helped us and gave us some relationship tools so that we could figure things out for ourselves. What impressed us the most was that this couple modeled so much of what they told us. It wasn’t intimidating at all. My husband liked that there was a man there to maybe see things from his point of view.”
Mentor couples are more skilled, experienced couples that educate others through their example and through sharing healthy relationship skills. Most mentor couples have been married at least seven years and are willing to share experience, time, and insight. They get training in order to work skillfully with couples they mentor.
Research has demonstrated that traditional marriage therapy or counseling is not the only way to assist couples. In fact, people who are similar to a couple, with appropriate training and commitment, may be in the best position to support them. Couples get to work with a more experienced mentor couple who practice what they preach and model healthy relationship skills. They also provide periodic “check-ups” for the couples with whom they work.
Mentor couples are trained on how to assess couples for strengths and challenges, to conduct themselves professionally and confidentially, and to coach couples in relationship skills such as communication, conflict resolution, financial management, values clarification, setting goals, writing mission statements, and the importance of maintaining principled-centered lives. They acquire a proven system for working with couples before and after marriage.
First, let’s clarify what mentor couples don’t do. Mentor couples do not:
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Have the perfect marriage. They have healthy, satisfying marriages and get help when they need it.
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Act as parents to the couples they coach.
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Automatically become buddies or pals—although they are friendly.
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Have to be on “call” for every crisis in the life of the other couple.
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Act as counselors or therapists, ordained clergy, or wedding coordinators.
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Mentor couples do:
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Get training to teach relationship skills and learn to administer premarital and marriage inventories.
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Develop insight to know when to refer their couples to qualified professionals and other resources.
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Encourage principled behavior by motivating and challenging couples to use skilled communication and understand the spiritual responsibilities and benefits of marriage.
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Reduce anxiety by normalizing experiences and guiding the couple to realistic expectations and perspectives.
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Help couples set practical goals and review their progress.
Provide periodic reviews of couples’ relationship issues.
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Commit themselves to their couple in a systematic, accountable way.
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Model healthy husband and wife relationship skills.
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For newlyweds, five to six sessions with their Mentor Couple are recommended. Although there may be fees for Mentor Couple services, they are generally much less expensive than the cost of Marriage and Family therapists.
Where can you find a mentor couple?
Check at your parish or these websites:
www.dasiziyadfamilyinstitute.org
www.lifeinnovations.com
www.familywellness.com
www.smartmarriages.com/mentor.programs.html
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Questions for Reflection:
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Is the idea of mentor couples new to you? Can you think of a married couple that embodies the qualities of a mentor couple?
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How do you feel about the possibility of working with a more experienced married couple in the early stages of your marriage?
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Does your parish have a program to help you locate mentor couples? Make sure to ask your priest or Family Life Minister for any support you might need.
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“Join with others in being imitators of me, brothers and sisters, and observe those who thus conduct themselves according to the model you have in us.” (Philippians 3:17) How might this Scripture passage relate to the benefit of working with a mentor couple?
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 Krsnanandini Dasi and Tariq Ziyad are Co-Directors of the Dasi-Ziyad Family Institute. This husband and wife team are certified Marriage and Family educators, Prepare/Enrich administrators and Family Wellness instructors. They have presented scores of workshops, seminars, and courses for marriage and family enrichment, preparation, and skill-building, as well as written many articles on the subject.
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