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Take it from one who knows, unspoken expectations are a disaster waiting to happen! In a healthy and happy Catholic marriage, spouses should let each other know what they want and what they expect. Author Monica Mendez Leahy reminds us that sharing our expectations with each other will not only strengthen our marriages but might also help us get what we really want. —Crystal Sullivan, Editor
NEWS FLASH: FIANCEE GIVES UP RING FOR COW!
By Monica Mendez Leahy
 When I read a story about a bride who turned down bling for a bovine, I thought, “There’s a woman after my own heart!” Being the practical sort, she convinced her groom-to-be that a diamond ring would serve no purpose in their future lives as farmers. She figured she would spend most her time outside in a barn while her ring stayed inside, in a drawer. A cow, however, could provide milk, cheese, and more importantly calves, which would increase the value of the herd.
By visualizing a life of manual labor, the future farmer rejected the traditionally expected token of love and betrothal for an item of more value based on her circumstances.
Gina’s story offers a different perspective. Expecting a bouquet of roses for her birthday, her blood simmered to a boil as her husband proceeded to ignore her for most of the day while digging holes in the backyard. Livid, she went shopping and vented to a friend, “How difficult is it to get a few flowers from the corner market?” Returning even angrier than when she left, she marched to the backyard fuming, ready to chew out her louse-of-a spouse only to stop in her tracks at the sight of her newly planted rose garden.
By expecting roses in their traditional package of cellophane and a bow, Gina overlooked the possibility that the flowers could be presented in some other way.
Both women had expectations, but what made one's expectations a blessing while the other’s became a bane?
One fundamental difference lies in whom you place your expectations. The farmer’s desires were based on her own expected behavior, which—and this is the key—she could control. Gina’s expectations were based on the behavior of others, which she couldn’t control.
Many a fight between couples starts when someone didn’t get his or her expectations met by the other. “I expected him to help more around the house,” or “I expected her to want to stay home with the kids,” are common cries on a counselor’s couch.
Another difference lies in what you expect. We frequently become fixated on ideas given to us by the media or tradition even though they don’t really compliment our lifestyle or are completely impractical—think black tuxedo, on the sand, in the tropics, during the summer, at noon. Nonetheless, we do as we’ve seen done and are shocked, even disappointed, when others don’t follow suit.
It’s erroneous expectations, not irreconcilable differences that cause most problems in relationships. Of course you're not expecting your spouse to be the perfect parent, lover and gift-giver with a built in mood sensor. You know that’s beyond the capability of mere mortals and best way to ensure disappointment and resentment. But isn’t your belief that he should want to give up watching the game to go wallpaper shopping a bit too much?
Expecting your married life to be as dramatic, romantic and affluent as those produced by Hollywood is even more dangerous. We compare our spouses and ourselves to fabricated and often misleading examples of domesticity and despair when we don’t measure up. Reality TV isn’t reality and happy, content couples rarely get their own shows. It’s the dysfunctional ones surrounded by chaos and deception that keep us glued to our sets. Heaven forbid we try to emulate Desperate Housewives.
So, whether you want a cow for your birthday or your spouse to pickup some milk for your breakfast, beware of undisclosed expectations. What you want may not be what others think you want or need. Don’t insist on tradition. If you always stick to the rules, you’ll miss out on the chance to create your own unusual rituals, the kind that can only be yours and inspire a shared wink and smile when remembered.
Disclose and discuss your desires to determine if they’re realistic and beneficial to your relationship. It’s when we share our expectations and come to an understanding that our anticipation morphs into shared goals, which in turn, create and strengthen the bonds of intimacy.
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Questions for Reflection
- The farmer's wife wanted a cow more than diamonds. Can you think of a time when you wanted something out of the ordinary as an expression of your spouse's love, rather than a traditional present?
- The author explains the difference between expectations we place on ourselves (which we can control) and expectations we have of others (which we can't control). How has either of these expectations affected your relationship?
- Share some expectations you have, either of your spouse or your relationship. Decide together whether these are realistic and beneficial to your relationship.
- Many people in the first century expected a Savior who was an earthly king, and could not comprehend that a poor baby could be the Messiah. Think of a time when your expectations of how your spouse “should” act has blinded you to the “glorious” in your relationship.
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 Monica Mendez Leahy is the author of 1001 Questions To Ask Before You Get Married (McGraw-Hill). She is a Relationship Expert who conducts marriage preparation classes in the Los Angeles area. She has been featured on several television and radio programs, as well as in publications such as the Wall Street Journal and Ladies Home Journal.
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